Almost Christmas

WARNING: This review is hidden because it reveals the content of the film.
Click here to show this review. If you’re feeling stupid, there’s nothing like a predictable, laughably constructed mystery to make you feel like Sherlock Holmes. When I encounter such a picture, I’m usually at home. I take the opportunity to announce to my friends that I’m writing down a prediction and then proudly flaunt my Scooby-Doo skills when I turn out to be correct. It proves that I’m not as empty-headed as I might appear. Then, there are films like “Almost Christmas”, which are a reversal of this idea. It’s not that you’ll feel smart predicting what’ll happen here. It’s that if you can’t predict every single beat ahead of time, you’ll feel like a moron.

There’s not really a plot to “Almost Christmas”, but to compensate, we’re treated to a snow storm of sub-plots. Walter (Danny Glover) is mourning his wife (Rachel Kylian) With Christmas just 5 days away, the whole family is getting together. Cheryl (Kimberly Elise) is wary of her husband Lonnie (J. B. Smoove) and his wandering eyes. She doesn’t get along with her younger sister Rachel (Gabrielle Union), a single mom who bumps into her high school crush, (Omar Epps.) She still hasn’t forgiven him for breaking her heart all those years ago. Meanwhile, Christian (Romany Malco) is campaigning to be state Senator and he’s brought his advisor Brooks (John Michael Higgins) along with him, much to the chagrin of his wife (Nicole Ari Parker) The youngest sibling, (Jessie T. Usher) is recovering from a football injury… but is unable to ditch the painkillers he no longer needs! On top of that, Walter is thinking about selling the family home, Mom’s tin of Christmas dinner recipes can’t be found, no one knows how to make the beloved sweet potato pie, sassy aunt May (Mo’Nique) is coming in to visit and the grandchildren are on their cellphones, witnessing the whole thing!

I will give the film credit for a few things. I like that it features what is entirely an all-black cast, without being a “black movie”. No pimp or rapper makes an appearance (unless you count DC Young Fly, who plays a minor comedic role), there’s no gangsta street talk or anything that makes this family different from any other family. I don’t think this film is very good, but in theory, I like what I see. It should also be noted that while the plot is as predictable as the result of a two-headed coin flip, there are some funny moments here and here. Mo’Nique has some good lines and when there are “dramatic” interactions, the performances are good. These are all talented actors at work. I just wish they were in a better picture.

I was nearly driven mad while in the cinema. I don’t know what was happening in the seats next to me, but a lot of people were laughing, even clapping at some of the one-liners featured in the picture. The audience was fully invested in the myriad of plots. Is it possible that I’ve simply seen too many pictures? I don’t think so. You can basically mathematically solve the plot of “Almost Christmas”. This picture is about a family getting back together. It’s very light to the point of being cartoonish at times. You get typical jokes like the Walter (who is a grandfather) mispronouncing Facebook and getting confused by Tweets. They take it a step further when, since he’s a man in the kitchen, he can barely crack eggs without making a mess. Keeping that in mind, do you think the single mom is going to get together with the handsome neighbor? What about the father. Is he going to sell the family home, the place where the whole family gathers every Christmas? Look at Cheryl and Lonnie’s relationship. It’s not real. It’s constructed in a manner to please audiences who ask very little. They don’t have kids and the first scene introduces Lonnie as a self-absorbed wannabee sports star. I’m not saying that they break up, but if they did, it wouldn’t be a big dramatic scenario, it would be a goofy comedic one with no genuine emotions or bite. This film is so safe that it will move no one, and we’re talking a picture that features potential adultery, falling in love, drug addiction, and a dead mother!

I saw two films tonight. One so awful no one could ever like it, the other is “Almost Christmas”, which has some appeal but ultimately wastes the talents involved. That begs the question: which is worse? The mouse trap with the cheese on it, or the one without? “Almost Christmas” is not going to be a holiday classic, no matter what color your skin is. It’s a collection of B-plots from a sitcom all stitched together and dressed up as a motion picture. It contains 0 surprises and few laughs. It’s ultimately harmless, but if you are interested in supporting a picture with a black cast, there are so many better films. In fact, I wager that “Moonlight” is playing in the theater and that’s one of the best films of the year. “Almost Christmas” is nowhere near good. (Theatrical version on the big screen, November 22, 2016)