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    Baby Geniuses

    Reviewed by
    adamwatchesmovies@

    While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...

    I've said many times that there are no bad premises, only bad executions. “Baby Geniuses” has taken that thought behind the shed and blasted it with a double-barrelled shotgun. This is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen.

    To prove that her method of education is the best, Dr. Elena Kinder (Kathleen Turner) and her associate, Dr. Heep (Christopher Lloyd) separate twins Sylvester and Whit (played by Leo, Gerry & Myles Fitzgerald and voiced by Miko Hughes) at birth. One twin is raised in a laboratory and the other by a kind couple (Kim Cattrall as Robin and Peter MacNicol as her husband Dan). What the scientists at BabyCo don’t realize is that babies are naturally capable of speaking in a language only they understand - until they grow out of it once they learn to converse with adults. When the brothers meet and are accidentally switched, the other babies under the scientists' care make it their mission to return them to their rightful homes.

    This film’s story sounds even stupider as I’m trying to summarize it. None of it makes any sense, whatsoever. If babies are intelligent, why do they poop in their diapers? Why do they get fooled by simple peek-a-boo games? How is it they can’t figure out a way to communicate with the rest of us? Oh, because adults are too stupid to realize that the random notes they smash onto a keyboard actually translates into a beautiful symphony and that their random scribbles on a page are identical to ancient languages? Please.

    It doesn’t get any easier to swallow when we see a baby jump up in the air and perform karate kicks or use tools to escape from secure locations. Their skulls haven’t even solidified and yet they’re able to incapacitate full-grown men, and not just random men, but armed guards? Movie. I don’t mind if YOU’RE an idiot, but don’t assume I’m an idiot.

    Moving past that load of diaper gravy and we find this catastrophe that is a plot. It’s so brainless and idiotic that at first, you can have fun at its expense. The unconvincing CGI used to create a baby in a three-piece suit dancing to “Puttin’ on the Ritz” had me in stitches. Then, the film kept going and going and going. It grinds away your sanity and will to survive until you’re begging for it to end. You think you’ve seen lousy performances before. This picture takes it to a level of hell so deep it was deemed unfit for Satan himself. First, we have child actors on-screen. Not only are they children, but they’re babies so they have no idea what is happening around them. They’re basically looking off-screen at jingling toys with this stupid expression on their face. Then, they’re dubbed over by voice actors who are devoid of talent. We're talking dual-levels of awful. They’re almost enough to make you overlook the adults, who must have had nothing but regrets once they got on set because they bring no enthusiasm to their roles whatsoever.

    There is no shortage of criticisms to be directed at “Baby Geniuses”. It features a terrifying animatronic baby (played by a man in a suit) who is sure to turn up again in your nightmares. The plot follows no logic. Writers Bob Clark (who also directs) and Greg Michael frequently run out of comedic ideas and instead start referencing other movies - even when it makes no sense. None of these criticisms accurately convey how agonizing it is to sit through “Baby Geniuses”. The picture relies heavily on you either finding any scene with a baby doing something it isn’t supposed to do hilarious or having an emotional meltdown at the sight of any diaper wearer. At no point is it more obvious than in the film’s overly manipulative conclusion, during which a montage of children is set to “Gift of Love” by Randy Travis. Thinking back to it makes me throw up a bit. And there’s a sequel to this? And it’s supposed to be EVEN worse? Diving into a crocodile pit is looking like a better option at this point. (On VHS, May 9, 2018)

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    adamwatchesmovies@  29.3.2015 age: 26-35 2,867 reviews

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