Masterminds

"Masterminds" is being advertised as based on a true story. Yeah right. You’ll believe in “Guardians of the Galaxy” before you buy what they’re selling here. Even with the whole alien and cosmic gems of ultimate power thing at least it's characters were believable and the plot flowed in a logical manner. This pale excuse for entertainment is cheaply and thinly written. The desperation is tangible and even if you’re starved for laughs, you’ll leave the theater hungry.

David Scott Ghantt (Zach Galifianakis) is a dimwitted employee at Loomis, Fargo & Co. Who is talked into stealing the contents of his armored car by the seductive Kelly Campbell (Kristen Wiig) What he doesn’t know is that while he’s hiding abroad, she and her friend Steve (Owen Wilson) are spending all the “hard earned” $17 million. After being confronted by an assassin sent to eliminate him (Jason Sudeikis), David starts realizing that something is up.

I didn't go into this film wanting to hate it. I was ready to laugh even when the first fifteen minutes proved themselves completely devoid of clever situations or amusing turns. I love stories about stupid criminals. You don’t feel bad about laughing at their misfortune and, as the cherry on top of the sundae, they usually get what’s coming to them. “Masterminds” takes the dumb criminal premise too far. Did David get a lobotomy five minute before the cameras started rolling? There's gullible, there’s not being very bright and then there's so stupid you can't believe he hasn't accidentally killed himself while using his microwave dumb. It’s not a damnable offense to have half-witted characters in your film, but at least have a few normal people in it to give us a “straight man” to give us a break and let us digest what we just saw happen. Even the so-called “Brains” of this film, Steve, would struggle to correctly fill out a customer comment form at Taco Bell.

This assault on your intelligence turns what should be comedy gold into a frustrating slog. After seeing the film, I read up on it and the comedy should’ve written itself. There was no need to make everyone exaggerated hillbillies with bad hair and crazy outfits; the facts and the people involved were more than sufficient to make a great movie. This film makes me think of “The Informant! ” and “Bernie”. Both of them also featured criminals whose activities were so crazy, you couldn’t believe it. Those pictures did it right. This one, no.

What could’ve saved the movie was the writing, but it’s equally inadequate. Sit down to watch “Masterminds” and you’ll be treated to jokes revolving around farts, pubic hair, underwear and vaginal rashes. There are also several comedic opportunities that are squandered or introduced and then dropped immediately. A prime example involves an informant who is introduced in one scene and then given nothing to do except give us a lame booger joke.

I wanted to laugh. Sometimes I pushed through simply mediocre gags to generate some energy in the theater. Other times I did genuinely find amusement in the film. Kate McKinnon in a supporting role and Jason Sudeikis managed to bring a smile to my face more than once, but this picture wastes its cast. The actors ad-lib and to try and bolster the script by Chris Bowman, Hubbel Palmer, and Emily Spivey, but their efforts are for naught Amid the bad jokes there are even any so awful they’ll stick with you after the credits (which contain outtakes if you’re interested) finish rolling. “Masterminds” isn’t even memorably bad. (Theatrical version on the big screen, October 2, 2016)