Battleship

There are some moments where “Battleship” is dumb fun. The rest of the time, it features dull human characters and highlights its poorly-written script. It'll have you wishing you were watching Michael Bay's brand CGI-bloated films instead of this knockoff.

Based on the board game by Hasbro, hotshot naval lieutenant Alex (Taylor Kitsch) is thrust in the middle of an alien invasion when extraterrestrial ships crash in the middle of a navy training exercise. Trapped behind a forcefield, the three ships' crew, along with a group of scattered civilians nearby (which include Brooklyn Decker as Alex's girlfriend, Sam) must stop the invaders before they call for reinforcements.

Surprisingly, the parts where “Battleship” resembles its namesake is where the movie works best. It's silly but there's something amusing about the humans blindly shooting at coordinates (B-4!) hoping to hit the alien ships. Responding in kind, the invaders attack not with lasers or missiles but with giant explosive pegs. Just like in the game. Ridiculous, but awesome. Perfectly at home with their enormous killer yoyos which speed through streets and trash everything in their path with their tail. When “Battleship” is being as dumb and as flashy as you'd expect it to be, you can have fun with it, and at its expense.

The real problem stems from the astoundingly poor writing. Significant time is dedicated to sexy, but boring Brooklyn Decker running around with a double amputee U. S. Army veteran Mick Canales (Gregory D. Gadson) The less of them we get, the better. Not helping are the aliens they face who, when outside of their ships look ridiculous.

I have to take a moment to talk about these aliens. These are some of the dumbest, most backward-assed would-be conquerors. Why do their ships sail on the water? They don't look like an aquatic civilization, so it's lucky their ships happen to be able to navigate on the ocean. Next is their persistent ADHD. These aliens, are somehow able to assess which objects, people and ships are threats to their mission... sometimes. If you’re shooting at them, they peg you as a threat. If you stop shooting, they ignore you. It's obvious they didn't stand a chance from the get-go, as their vehicles are so poorly designed they're unable to aim at anything unless it is directly in front of them. The alien battleships literally have to spin around to shoot at something. And these were their scouts?

Because of the film’s insistence on including real-world naval officers as often as possible, it features a number of poor performances. Because this is clearly a generic alien invasion movie with the “Battleship” theme tacked on, the action is often focussed on the wrong characters. Because the characters aren’t particularly compelling, and the villains unoriginal, the movie's not interesting. It lasts over two hours and offers nothing, save for some special effects. Even for a movie based on a board game, “Battleship” is bad. (On DVD, October 10, 2014)