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    The Brothers Grimsby

    Reviewed by
    adamwatchesmovies@

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    I saw two movies in the theatre today. Combine their scores out of 5 together and it adds up to a total of five. Does that mean I saw two mediocre pictures? No. “Zootopia” gets a glowing recommendation, a film that’s nearly perfect at 4.5/5. “The Brothers Grimsby”, is awful, nearly bad enough to earn itself a zero, but not quite so I’ll give it a lowly. 5/5.

    Brothers Nobby (Sacha Baron Cohen) and Sebastian (Mark Strong) were separated as children and haven’t seen each other in 28 years. Sebastian became a trained agent for MI-6; Nobby grew up to be a hooligan in a poor English fishing town. When Nobby reunites with his brother, Sebastian botches a critical mission and the two go on the run together.

    I know it’s unfair to call out a movie on a ridiculous premise. If it wasn’t for contrived setups, some movies just couldn’t happen. Couldn’t someone have put a little intelligence in this story though? “The Brothers Grimsby” hinges entirely on every one of its characters being too stupid to live. The entire “Agent being wrongfully accused” thing could have been avoided with a single phone call, something akin to “Hey boss, I missed my shot because my long-lost idiot brother distracted me”. Instead, we have to try and constantly lower ourselves to try and be able to relate to people who are so dumb they can’t even master basic human conversation. I’m serious. Nobby can’t even read. I don’t mean he’s illiterate, I mean he will look at a word or number and misinterpret what it means because he’s one of these made-up characters that only exist in bad comedies. It’s like this story was written by aliens, translated into an ancient language whose customs were so weird they’re impossible to relate to and then re-written in English by a bunch of 13-year olds.

    The humour isn’t only bad; it’s downright desperate. I lost count of how many penis or sex related jokes there were. I counted at least two instances where “gross! That’s pubic hair”, “kids shouldn’t be doing that! ”, “it’s nasty because she’s fat!” or “it’s funny because actually they’re NOT gay! ” was the entirety of the gag. It’s a film that anyone could write in his or her sleep because it doesn’t require any creativity or actual talent. Any 13-year old can go “I wouldn’t want to touch another man’s daddy zone, so if someone was forced to, that would be funny” but Sacha Baron Cohen and Phil Johnson (the writers) are supposed to be professionals. They’re charging you money to see their film! Did no one look at a long scene that involves an erect elephant penis and say, “You know what, ‘The Love Guru’ was a terrible comedy that did every male anatomy joke you could think of, and even they passed on this one, should we do it? ” There’s an obsession here with anal cavities, it was almost too much for me to handle, particularly at the end of the picture where they toss all logic out of the window and just make it up as they go along. Just because you have someone pull their pants down and you think it’s so funny that your brain stops working doesn’t mean ours will.

    I don’t mind if other people are stupid, but I hate it when they assume I’m an idiot too. I could have gotten a barrage of low-brow humour of this quality of writing by taking word-for-word quotes at any party where immature teenage boys are trying to make each other laugh by lighting their farts on fire. You might not object to such material, but I bet you will be taken aback at the amount of jokes centered around rape, pedophiles and one referring to Bill Cosby that’s way, WAY too soon.

    I’ll admit I did laugh at a couple of parts. The movie isn’t completely devoid of talent, in the same way that I’m sure you could find some nutritional value in a maggot-infested can of dog food. That doesn’t save the film in any way whatsoever though. If you see “The Brothers Grimsby”, there’s a joke at the very end of the credits, so stick around for that if you don’t want to miss a minute of it. I don’t recommend you do because it’s an unfunny waste of talent, but who knows. Maybe your son is featured in the picture or you have nothing better to do with your life. (Theatrical version on the big screen, March 12, 2016)

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    adamwatchesmovies@  16.3.2016 age: 26-35 2,867 reviews

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