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    The Love Guru

    Reviewed by
    adamwatchesmovies@

    The worst kinds of movies are not bad documentaries, uninspired children’s films or offensive dramas, they’re bad comedies, films devoid entirely of laughs that leave you puzzled, if not embarrassed. “The Love Guru” is painfully unfunny with a thin plot that’s bloated with endless [...] jokes, none of which work.

    Guru Pitka (Mike Myers) is upset that his rival, Dipak Chopra is a more popular and renowned guru than him. When Toronto Maple Leafs owner Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba) calls him with a problem, he sees an opportunity to impress the world. If Guru Pitka can use his zen knowledge to patch the marriage of star hockey player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco), whose wife Prudence (Meagan Goode) is now seeing rival Los Angeles Kings player Jacques Jacques "Lè Coq" Grandè (Justin Timberlake), the team’ll win the Stanley Cup and Pitka will have a guaranteed spot on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

    There is not one funny scene in this movie. It’s filled with endless [...] jokes and it gets really old, really fast. When I say filled, I mean FILLED. Pitka wears a chastity belt with an elephant’s face on the front. Get it? The trunk is like a [...]! When he and Jane have a romantic dinner, the food they eat consists of two nuts wrapped in a doughy bag and then deep fried. Because it looks like testicles, you see! Jacques [...] Grande. Do I need to say more? Not content with slapping us in the face with phallic jokes repeatedly, we're also subjected to an elephant defecating in a bucket, numerous lame double-entendres, and a barrage of gags about Verne Troyer's diminutive size. If seeing Ben Kingsley, playing a farting, pissing, nose picking, cross-eyed buffoon tasked with training a young Pitka (played by a small boy with a creepy CG Myers faced pasted on top) doesn't kill something inside you, just wait until you see him urinating in a bucket, dipping a mop in it and presenting his new creation as a weapon.

    This movie has the potential to seriously unhinge you, leading to either mass murder or a vegetative state. It’s not enough that every single crack falls completely flat and is so predictable it makes you want to cave in your own skull. It’s not enough that writers Mike Myers and Graham Gordy decided to include every single leftover and crappy joke they came up with in the half-day spent writing this turd, including that old “helping your uncle Jack off an elephant” joke. The worst part is that throughout this whole movie, Mike Myers constantly breaks the fourth wall. After every lame pun and idiotic setup, he turns towards the screen, winks and laughs in a self-deprecating way. It’s like he’s saying “Hey, wasn’t that funny? Come on, you know you want to laugh because under this beard it’s me, Mike Myers! You’ve laughed at my stuff before, like “Wayne’s World” and “Austin Powers” so I know you’re loving this one too! Aren’t we having a great time? ” "The Love Guru" is so bad you'll wonder if Mike Myers was ever really funny.

    "The Love Guru” has the power to destroy friendships and kill careers. Anyone involved with this film essentially committed career suicide because watching “Love Guru” is like watching your parents get tied up and murdered while hiding beneath their bed. Afterward, all you want to do is travel the world, train, hone your skills and return years later to get your revenge on those responsible for what you experienced. (On DVD, June 2014)

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    adamwatchesmovies@  8.5.2018 age: 26-35 2,866 reviews

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