Valentine

WARNING: This review is hidden because it reveals the content of the film.
Click here to show this review. "Valentine" feels like every other slasher horror film but with the added gimmick of being set around Valentine's Day. I was praying that this would be the horror movie that I could go back to every February 14th, but it’s just not good.

In 1988 outcast student Jeremy Melton asked five girls to dance with him at the Valentine’s Day ball. Cruelly rejected, he’s come back years later for revenge! While the killer with a cupid mask stalks Shelley (Katherine Heigl), Kate (Marley Shelton), Paige (Denise Richards), Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw) and Lily (Jessica Cauffiel) the women must figure out which of their boyfriends is actually a psychopath before it’s too late.

Typical with these types of horror movies, we get situations that work in the moment, but the more you think about it, the less they make sense. “Valentine” is one of those films where the killer has an unfair advantage over his victims because he’s read the script ahead of time. For example, an early scene has the killer hide in a room, waiting for his intended victim to come in so he can scare her and then stab her with a knife. How long did he intend on waiting for her? Did he have a plan if she came back with a friend, or if she decided to call it an early night and never walk into that room? Was this a spur-of-the-moment idea to scare her, or did he have this pre-planned? That’s just the first layer in this box of horror chocolates. Typical of a bad slasher film nobody reports suspicious activity to the police and when they do, the police come alone, without any back up even though they strongly suspect a serial killer is on the loose (and don't detectives usually have a partner anyway? ) It’ll be clear to anyone watching this holiday-themed horror show that the film was built around on a series of kills, and not on an actual plot or characters. I’ve never seen a hot tub with a solid lid that locks and can’t be opened from the inside because it’s an obvious drowning hazard, but there it is, front and center in “Valentine”!

I did get some enjoyment out of familiar Valentine’s Day imagery corrupted and used in a horror film.. There are some clever parts in the film that play with the Valentine's Day theme, like some pretty creative cards with creepy poems and a scene where the killer (Who wears a cupid mask) uses a bow and arrows to attack a victim but that's pretty much it. I truly gave this picture a chance but couldn’t suspend my disbelief enough to give the twisted chocolates on display here a pass. Look at that scene for yourself and tell me it makes any sense at all. With the fact that the mystery moves slowly and becomes boring frequently, that the plot isn't original and is overwhelmingly predictable this is a big disappointment. I’ll give it some props for originality towards the end, but even fans of “Friday the 13th” or “Black Christmas” will not give this one a second glance. There’s no real sex or gore. Come on!

In the small category of Valentine's Day themed horror films," Valentine" is just an unremarkable slasher film. You can do a lot better, like renting any one of the bad romantic comedies that Catherine Heigl has been in, now that’s something to make your teeth chatter. (Dvd, February 22, 2013)